Mulling's on my Future as an Old Crone

What are the things I see my higher-self actually doing consistently, and well??

The BIG question is, are those visions of myself pipe dreams and glorifications of someone I wish to be or is it who I actually am or who I'm capable of being? I don’t know what my calling is here on Earth quite yet and I have doubts about almost everything because I already hardly have the energy to maintain all of this mundane I have sitting around, and yet I envision a future as a woman who has an assertive drive towards all things spiritual and extraordinary.

In this future I am energetic, social, creative, and thriving. I love the outdoors and the peace of just existing and enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer and suddenly all the "mundane" is littered with countless blessings I hadn't seen before. I’m outside all the time with a furry companion in the mountains, hiking through trees with my camera and finding natural native medicines in their habitats. I’m on the lakes with a paddle board staring at the horizon and admiring the sky. I am on the go, productive, and vibrant. When I think of the elder inside me, I am active and I take care of myself because I care about my health and soul-body connection.

I’m a fashionable old coot as always because I like to sparkle around and express my soul through all the shiny trinkets I love to wear. Though, as sociable as I've grown to be I've learned how to manage my anxieties and am happy to be alone with my house littered in pet fur, hobbies, oddities, and crafts. My emotional wisdom is sought after and welcomed and I have a tribe of like minded folks who come to me whenever they may need me, and are there for me when I need them. I am knowledgeable in wellness practices for both body and spirit as I practice meditation, reiki, tarot, good nutrition, and quality movement on the daily. My hobbies including but not limited to things like playing the guitar, dancing, painting, gardening and photography. Creation fills my ME days as I travel regularly for both work and pleasure. I am absolutely overflowing with radical self love and acceptance of others as I am understanding, unbothered, direct, honest, and loving.

I could be a Therapist, or a love coach who helps people rekindle their romance with life by teaching them how to connect on a deeper level using holistic health and energy work. Am I a Healer? Maybe I help all ages alike with their trauma with a multi-faceted wellness business where I use any kind of combination of options like touch therapy and life coaching to nurture people through their darkest times. The tools offered in session could be things like reiki, massage, talk coaching, touch therapy, art therapy, coffee and tea, nutrition coaching, life planning, mobility routines, guided meditation, sound therapy, and even tarot card readings.

It would be a lot of work, a lot of school and classes to be taken as I’m not a skilled practitioner by any means at this time in any kind of capacity. I tinker and dabble in a few things, a master of none, bored often… just floating around with a curious pull in too many different creative directions all at once and all I want is at least some, no- ONE of my many interests to bud into a passion that I can use to help my fellow humans evolve into their higher selves spiritually, emotionally, or mentally.

I am not particularly passionate about anything yet, and that is what I find so maddening. Or maybe I am, and I have yet to develop the dicipline to adequitely claim its riches. So many interests glimmer on the horizon just long enough to pick it up and find myself either immediately bored or distracted by something else entirely. ADHD is a bitch, and the crippling inner critic has me pointing out every little thing that could possibly stand in my way and tries to convince me why these mountains are treacherous and unable to be navigated. An inner critic that tells me I need to find something else entirely, something stable and dull, and settle for some basic 9-5 job that will pay the bills just enough to be able to maybe one day retire on and enjoy my hobbies on the side in my limited free time.

I despise the idea of a basic job meant to sell my time for someone else’s wealth and goals.I refuse to live this life. I want an extraordinary and creative life, I wan’t blossoming and charismatic! I want a life so filled with genuine love and connection that it’s overwhelmingly contagious just to be around. Fear and uncertainty is no longer an issue and I welcome change with open arms and acceptance.

When I leave this world I will know that I did my part in healing the ones who were ready and sought it and left behind a chain reaction of mending generational wounds for many. I want to know that I left my mark in meaningful and fulfilling ways that would seep into generations to come. I despise that at the moment I must work corperate hell for money to live. Money to keep taxed land and a home already owned. Laws and rules that prohibit me from collecting rain water and raising chickens in my own back yard. I despise reality as we know it and I still do not know my place here in this existence and if there isn’t a place for me here yet, I know I must carve out a space for myself where I can thrive and expand comfortably all the way through to my death bed.

This woman is not me. Not yet, and maybe not for a long time.. Hell, maybe not ever.

In a reality where I suffer from a mysterious chronic fatigue, chronic pain and injury... A reality where education and medical care is beyond expensive tedious and time consuming. A reality that squashes and steals creativity for corporate gain. In this reality, this old Crone sounds like a dream manifested from desperate wishes sprinkled on damp soil that I don't even know is fertile or not. Ideas to sprout and die and regrow and only time will tell what will actually come of it.

My ADHD brain constantly screams that I should be doing this, or could be doing that at any given time, yet the fatigue and shame keep my feet repeatedly planted and confused as what I could possibly pick up and begin first.

So here I sit. Dreaming up a big future full of growth and abundance. A future full of love and creativity. A future to be proud about. And I will claw my way towards that future, no matter where I end up.